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A careful listener once made this list after spending a semester in my class.
  • "I can't really pronounce that word so I refuse to solve for those."
  • "I got a good nights sleep. That's a euphemism for 'I didn't get any work done this week.'"
  • "Most of you don't want to see your exams anyway."
  • "The average is a 37 out of 90, which is a little low." Only in Engineering will you ever hear that.
  • "Apparently there were lots of women who would marry a millionaire sight-unseen but would not appear on national TV in a swimsuit." I swear he was talking about this in the middle of lecture.
  • "If you're unhappy about it, don't ask me, just be unhappy."
  • Yates: "Is that it?" Class: "Yes." Yates: "S**t... I wonder what idiot made up these notes."
  • "I would get rid of this variable Va that I don't give a rat's ass about."
  • "S**t." Response to: 'Shouldn't that first slope be positive?'
  • "This is just completely wacko... Which means I taught something horribly wrong last year."
  • "And that makes no freakin sense at all." Elaborating on the numbers that he just derived on the board.
  • "I check my email about forty-seven thousand times a day."
  • "About 10 of you have asked me via email about it and I have sort of randomly replied to about 5 of you."
  • "Zero plus zero is pretty close to zero."
  • "You pay like ninety bucks for it. I get to keep like four." His situation as the author of a college textbook.
  • "Anything I can't solve for myself in five minutes becomes student research."
  • "One of the good things about being a professor is that every time you're confused its research."
  • "There are two cheats. One is I could write down the answer."

 
 
 

I'm keeping this list as a reminder to try to lecture in a professional manner. I've deleted the quotes that might embarrass someone, besides me. If you have something to add - feel free to send me an email - and maybe, if it meets the current high standard for stupidity, I'll include it.

If you think assembling an updated and expanded list of funny professorial quotes seems like fun, proceed with caution, which is a euphemism for Don't do it! The student who compiled this list actually posted a longer list with quotes from various professors. Unfortunately, many profs were offended and the student was "asked" by the department to remove the page.